Slowly losing it! Kennedee has taken to the terrible threes. What this entails it to say no to EVERYTHING-freak out for no reason-and the ability to change her mind within a split second-all the while freaking out as if I am shoving her into a cage full of salavating bulldogs or pissed of Kangroos.
So tonight was one of those nights. "No..(turn the computer off).No..(Get in the bathtub).No..Stop whining)." Didn't matter. Everything was a no...and when I accepted the "No." It became "But I want too!" and the whining recomensed. OH MY GOD!
So I lost it. She apologized for telling me no when I told her to get off the computer (we have a timer system. Usually works...sometimes-not so much).
Than there was a fiasco with taking a bath. "Yes...No...Yes...No...But I want too!" LOST IT! I LOST IT!
I screamed and she froze...the tears started to flow. Oh My God! I am sorry baby. But it was to late. We both had lost it. She was crying and I was screaming. I am crap. I hate it when I lose my temper like that.
Anyway. After I make a complete ass of myself-K and I sit together and I talk to her. I tell her that Mama should not have yelled at her. That Mama lost her patience. She is three...she gets it. I don't have to go into detail with her. She sees it in my face how sorry I am to have yelled.
At that moment-her big chocolate eyes lookiing at me-and I cry. I cry for making her cry. She looks at me in shock. She takes her precious hands and cups my face-wiping the tears from my eyes. She is trying to smile-she wants to make me smile. What a perfect little angel. I don't deserve her.
She looks at me-trying so hard to smile and she says to me "I'll make you feel better...Okay?" And she wipes my tears. As this happens her voice cracks and her laughter turns into sobs.
Even though what led up to that moment was sad-she tried to put on a brave face... My aplified vocals had scared her-but my crying had scared her more.
The look on her face as she cupped my face-fighting the fact that her laughter was turning into a cry.
During this moment I had to look at myself and say "Who is the grown-up here?"
That moment will stay in my brain forever. The sound of her voice-her contorted face.
I am the grown-up. She should be able to cry if she wants-and I should apologize everything I turn her smile into tears.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Just getting better
So my taxes are done and on their way to my account. This is so bittersweet for me. Four months ago I was planning a trip to Londo with my taxes. Now I am trying to figure out how many months I will get through on them. Losing my job was the most wonderful and the most tramatizing thing that could have happened to me. Granted-I hated )okay-strong word) the job. But the thing is-it was constant. I knew what was going on. I had plans. Poof! Now I am using my fun money just to live! This was the first year that I would be able to just play with my tax money. I could have had fun. But no...I am living off of it.
My only hope is that I will get a job within the next month-then I can use SOME of my tax money for fum money. That would be so exciting! Great! Woo Hoo!
I am looking for a waitressing job. I should be in work with the next month or two-but my luck has not shown in my favor-so-
My only hope is that I will get a job within the next month-then I can use SOME of my tax money for fum money. That would be so exciting! Great! Woo Hoo!
I am looking for a waitressing job. I should be in work with the next month or two-but my luck has not shown in my favor-so-
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My brain has given up
I am sitting here staring at my screen (and Friends on the TV in front of me) trying desperately to think. THINK THINK THINK about some thing. It seems that all brain function has ceased to exist since I lost my job and have had my surgery. I sit in this F'in bed everyday-stare at my computer and cast casual glances at the TV-if I had a mirror I would not want to look at it... there is a chance I would see drool dripping gently from the corner of my mouth.
I used to have this vibrante mind. It wanted to paint and write. It loved color and movement-doing things-moving. Now I can't seem to focus on anything. It is so frusterating!
I have things to do but I cannot form the thought needed to move myself forward. Auto-pilot. That is the best way to describe my thoughts right now. I feel as if I am on auto-pilot and I am struggling to regain control.
I hate winter...I hate not having money...I hate not having a purpose.
Granted I have my daughter-she has become my reason for living-I do not know where I would be without her. I owe her more than who I am. I owe myself more than who I am.
I just don't know where the on switch is.
I used to have this vibrante mind. It wanted to paint and write. It loved color and movement-doing things-moving. Now I can't seem to focus on anything. It is so frusterating!
I have things to do but I cannot form the thought needed to move myself forward. Auto-pilot. That is the best way to describe my thoughts right now. I feel as if I am on auto-pilot and I am struggling to regain control.
I hate winter...I hate not having money...I hate not having a purpose.
Granted I have my daughter-she has become my reason for living-I do not know where I would be without her. I owe her more than who I am. I owe myself more than who I am.
I just don't know where the on switch is.
Friday, January 16, 2009
It's been awhile
So, I haven't blogged in awhile, and it is not because I have had to much to do... Actually I have nothing to do, as I have been laid off of my job since Monday. I don't know how to feel about it right now. I am welcoming the chance to find another job, explore other careers and hopefully find higher. On the other hand, we are in a huge recession! What the hell am I supposed to do? I have skills. I have done everything under the sun in the customer service industry, but painfully, that is not what I want to do anymore. I have to market myself and hopefully land myself a new carer. Until then I will pray that the little money I have coming in will take me through this. I have a wonderful family and I will manage. I am scared though ( I am human, after all!) I have been out of a job before, but never as a mother. This is different, I have a little person to look after. My unemployment would barely cover rent. Child support pays for daycare.
And then there is another side. The side that doesn't involve money. The side that involves my esteem and my heart.
I would love to talk about getting laid off, how it felt, but I don't know if I am there yet. I am not ready to deal with it. Right now, I acknowldge the fact that I have no job but to discuss the way being laid off has made my heart burst to the point pain no longer existing... I don't even know how to begin. I am deflated, and I feel useless. It has only been a week, and I already lost track of the days.
And then there is another side. The side that doesn't involve money. The side that involves my esteem and my heart.
I would love to talk about getting laid off, how it felt, but I don't know if I am there yet. I am not ready to deal with it. Right now, I acknowldge the fact that I have no job but to discuss the way being laid off has made my heart burst to the point pain no longer existing... I don't even know how to begin. I am deflated, and I feel useless. It has only been a week, and I already lost track of the days.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
So I said Fuck it
As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging for a few days. That is because of a few reasons. First off, it is the end of the holidays, I have been busy. I have been working on my other blog, I have been working on my book and I spent New Years day in the ER. But mainly, the reason is that I have said Fuck it. Why am I quitting gossip, this is lame and I have no reason to do it. Absolutely retarded for me to decided that I don't want to read gossip anymore. Why do I say that? Because I have been cheating all over town. I don't want to give up gossip anymore, because I haven't givin up gossip. So what now? Do I continue on this path, or do I continue to try and quit?
To Be Continued...
To Be Continued...
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year to me
So I woke up on New Years Day with nothing planned. Kennedee had crawled into be with me at 3 A.M. Which I welcomed, I like having her there every once and awile. We woke up...well she woke up and I kinda layed around with my eyes half open. We played a few games, had a good time and at one point I tried to take a nap with her.... she got up, I did not.
Through my slumber I realized K was being very quiet, but she was not sleeping next to me. I called out her name, she said that she was washing her hands...a few minutes later she walked into the living room with hands out pulling her princess night gown up telling me it was wet. Yes, yes it was.. It was wet with lotion, and water and soap. Apparently she was playing with lotion, got it o her self, my full lenght mirror and my carpet. Into the tub we go. She is playing, dropping herself into the tub to her mouth and blowing bubbles. I am drinking raspberry ginger ale, laughin...whoops, Kennedee goes down and slips under water. She can't get up on her own. I fly up, reach down and pull her upright. She is okay, no big deal. She doesn't even care.
About 5 minutes after that my back starts to hurt...2 minutes later my chest starts to hurt. Within 10 I can't stand, sit, lay, walk...I am in pain. My daughter is trying to makeme feel better. Kissing my tummy, holding her arms out saying she wants to hold me. I am in so much pain I can barely smile at the absolute beauty of her trying to take care of me. For awhile I thought it was heart brun. When I was pregnant I had hearburn that felt close to the same, but not as bad.
I made my way up to my sisters house, thinking I was going to go to Super America to get something to help me. I get upstairs and I burst into tears. My sister wants to take me to the ER. I said I will get over it. After about 3 minutes I go with her on the fact that yes I should go. I feel like I am in labor again! Sister gets K ready, we get in the car, call K's Dad, drop heroff with him because he is on the way to the ER (this was the worst for me. I was in so much pain, I couldn't give K a hug good bye, I couldn't even sit still, my back just kept spasming and my chest felt like it was caving in.
We got to the ER, I was giving a wheel chair and I waited. I waited in excruciating pain. I walked around the waiting room the same way I did when I was waiting to give birth to my daughter. Nothing made in better, nothing made it worse There wasn't a posibility for it to get worse. The ER was full of sick people and people that weren't sick enough to be there, but were there anyways.
I stood in front of the help desk because it had a high shelf in front of one of the desks that I could lean on. Sitting was not an option. I did go to the bathroom at one point, got sick and would have laid on the bathroom floor if a woman and her little girl had not come in. I made it back out and within 5 minutes someone saw the pai I was in and fast tracked me. I was brought to a small room, questions, vitals taken and the angel that was my nurse got me into a room. They were as concerned as I was. I could lay down, it felt like someone had tied a rope around my chest and was tightening it, and loosening it causing my body to rise and fall.
It was hell. The extremely happy doc came to talk to me. Confused by my myriad of symptoms. They had blot clots, something about my aortic valve... You know, worse to not so worse. Go for the bad stuff first, eliminate that and move on.
Finally they decide of a CT scan. Just for my upper chest. They wheel me into a room with a Stargazer ( I can't think of the name of the fricken movie right now, but I will get it.) type contraption, Inject me with a dye that makes me feel like I have to pee and send me through...
Oh, by the way... I felt completely better before they gave me morphine and the sickly maylox goop they made me swallow and sent me through this machine. I told them this, but we kept going anyway.
It was the weirdest thing. One moment I was convusing from the pain, throwig up, couldn't move. The next thing I know I am looking at my sister telling her I feel fine. Teh two of us laughing hysterically because we don't know what else to do.
In the end they said I had caused a thoractic back sprain. I got my p Rx out of the hospital vending machine. No shit. They give you a piece of paper with a code on it, you go to a machine titled instymeds and punch in your code. Voila 4 vicodine all for me.
I took my vicodine, mixed with my left over morphine and off to slumber I went.
Happy New Years to me!
Through my slumber I realized K was being very quiet, but she was not sleeping next to me. I called out her name, she said that she was washing her hands...a few minutes later she walked into the living room with hands out pulling her princess night gown up telling me it was wet. Yes, yes it was.. It was wet with lotion, and water and soap. Apparently she was playing with lotion, got it o her self, my full lenght mirror and my carpet. Into the tub we go. She is playing, dropping herself into the tub to her mouth and blowing bubbles. I am drinking raspberry ginger ale, laughin...whoops, Kennedee goes down and slips under water. She can't get up on her own. I fly up, reach down and pull her upright. She is okay, no big deal. She doesn't even care.
About 5 minutes after that my back starts to hurt...2 minutes later my chest starts to hurt. Within 10 I can't stand, sit, lay, walk...I am in pain. My daughter is trying to makeme feel better. Kissing my tummy, holding her arms out saying she wants to hold me. I am in so much pain I can barely smile at the absolute beauty of her trying to take care of me. For awhile I thought it was heart brun. When I was pregnant I had hearburn that felt close to the same, but not as bad.
I made my way up to my sisters house, thinking I was going to go to Super America to get something to help me. I get upstairs and I burst into tears. My sister wants to take me to the ER. I said I will get over it. After about 3 minutes I go with her on the fact that yes I should go. I feel like I am in labor again! Sister gets K ready, we get in the car, call K's Dad, drop heroff with him because he is on the way to the ER (this was the worst for me. I was in so much pain, I couldn't give K a hug good bye, I couldn't even sit still, my back just kept spasming and my chest felt like it was caving in.
We got to the ER, I was giving a wheel chair and I waited. I waited in excruciating pain. I walked around the waiting room the same way I did when I was waiting to give birth to my daughter. Nothing made in better, nothing made it worse There wasn't a posibility for it to get worse. The ER was full of sick people and people that weren't sick enough to be there, but were there anyways.
I stood in front of the help desk because it had a high shelf in front of one of the desks that I could lean on. Sitting was not an option. I did go to the bathroom at one point, got sick and would have laid on the bathroom floor if a woman and her little girl had not come in. I made it back out and within 5 minutes someone saw the pai I was in and fast tracked me. I was brought to a small room, questions, vitals taken and the angel that was my nurse got me into a room. They were as concerned as I was. I could lay down, it felt like someone had tied a rope around my chest and was tightening it, and loosening it causing my body to rise and fall.
It was hell. The extremely happy doc came to talk to me. Confused by my myriad of symptoms. They had blot clots, something about my aortic valve... You know, worse to not so worse. Go for the bad stuff first, eliminate that and move on.
Finally they decide of a CT scan. Just for my upper chest. They wheel me into a room with a Stargazer ( I can't think of the name of the fricken movie right now, but I will get it.) type contraption, Inject me with a dye that makes me feel like I have to pee and send me through...
Oh, by the way... I felt completely better before they gave me morphine and the sickly maylox goop they made me swallow and sent me through this machine. I told them this, but we kept going anyway.
It was the weirdest thing. One moment I was convusing from the pain, throwig up, couldn't move. The next thing I know I am looking at my sister telling her I feel fine. Teh two of us laughing hysterically because we don't know what else to do.
In the end they said I had caused a thoractic back sprain. I got my p Rx out of the hospital vending machine. No shit. They give you a piece of paper with a code on it, you go to a machine titled instymeds and punch in your code. Voila 4 vicodine all for me.
I took my vicodine, mixed with my left over morphine and off to slumber I went.
Happy New Years to me!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The New Years Resolution Blog
If I made resolutions this year, it would take me five years to complete them. I have never been a resolution kind of girl and I never will be. If I make a decision to do something most likey I will fail after a few days (see other blog nico-givingupperez@blogspot.com) mainly because I don't like being told I CANNOT do something. Yes, even if I am the one telling me not to do it. So here are the things that I already have in the works, and fuck, if I get them done by the end of next year... Fantastic.
1. Better Mom. I am a pretty fatastic mom, I spend alot of time with my kid, teach her well and over all make her a happy kid. However; I have close to zero patience for bad behavior and sometimes react in an un attractive way when Kennedee is pushing my buttons... working on it.
2.The prerequisite-eat better. I am getting old, and the pouch of a belly that used to be cute...not so cute anymore. Must eliminate immediatly. This also requires getting off my ass. Oh and no more soda.
3. Stop being so frickin boring. I really do not have a life. Granted it is Minnesota and I am a freeze baby. I ain't going out. Unfortunatly that is the reason no one calls me anymore. I never go out. Recently my babies dad and I changed our schedule because it is Tax season and he is a CPA. His wife is busy, so they only have time to see K on the weekends. Woo hoo for me! Most of my friends go out Saturdays... for the last 2 years I have had Fridays off. This should add to my friend fund substantially. And the great thing is, not only do I get Saturday night off... i get all of Sunday off. This leads to number
4. Write my book. Though it may not be apparent her on my blog, I do have a bit of writing talent. I am putting most of that into a book. I like to pretend I am doing it for fun, but to be honest, most people that write books want them to be published some day. That will be non resolution 2011.
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