The terrible 3's? Or the terrible 29's?

Slowly losing it! Kennedee has taken to the terrible threes. What this entails it to say no to EVERYTHING-freak out for no reason-and the ability to change her mind within a split second-all the while freaking out as if I am shoving her into a cage full of salavating bulldogs or pissed of Kangroos.
So tonight was one of those nights. "No..(turn the computer off).No..(Get in the bathtub).No..Stop whining)." Didn't matter. Everything was a no...and when I accepted the "No." It became "But I want too!" and the whining recomensed. OH MY GOD!

So I lost it. She apologized for telling me no when I told her to get off the computer (we have a timer system. Usually works...sometimes-not so much).

Than there was a fiasco with taking a bath. "Yes...No...Yes...No...But I want too!" LOST IT! I LOST IT!

I screamed and she froze...the tears started to flow. Oh My God! I am sorry baby. But it was to late. We both had lost it. She was crying and I was screaming. I am crap. I hate it when I lose my temper like that.
Anyway. After I make a complete ass of myself-K and I sit together and I talk to her. I tell her that Mama should not have yelled at her. That Mama lost her patience. She is three...she gets it. I don't have to go into detail with her. She sees it in my face how sorry I am to have yelled.

At that moment-her big chocolate eyes lookiing at me-and I cry. I cry for making her cry. She looks at me in shock. She takes her precious hands and cups my face-wiping the tears from my eyes. She is trying to smile-she wants to make me smile. What a perfect little angel. I don't deserve her.

She looks at me-trying so hard to smile and she says to me "I'll make you feel better...Okay?" And she wipes my tears. As this happens her voice cracks and her laughter turns into sobs.
Even though what led up to that moment was sad-she tried to put on a brave face... My aplified vocals had scared her-but my crying had scared her more.

The look on her face as she cupped my face-fighting the fact that her laughter was turning into a cry.

During this moment I had to look at myself and say "Who is the grown-up here?"
That moment will stay in my brain forever. The sound of her voice-her contorted face.

I am the grown-up. She should be able to cry if she wants-and I should apologize everything I turn her smile into tears.

Just getting better

So my taxes are done and on their way to my account. This is so bittersweet for me. Four months ago I was planning a trip to Londo with my taxes. Now I am trying to figure out how many months I will get through on them. Losing my job was the most wonderful and the most tramatizing thing that could have happened to me. Granted-I hated )okay-strong word) the job. But the thing is-it was constant. I knew what was going on. I had plans. Poof! Now I am using my fun money just to live! This was the first year that I would be able to just play with my tax money. I could have had fun. But no...I am living off of it.

My only hope is that I will get a job within the next month-then I can use SOME of my tax money for fum money. That would be so exciting! Great! Woo Hoo!

I am looking for a waitressing job. I should be in work with the next month or two-but my luck has not shown in my favor-so-

My brain has given up

I am sitting here staring at my screen (and Friends on the TV in front of me) trying desperately to think. THINK THINK THINK about some thing. It seems that all brain function has ceased to exist since I lost my job and have had my surgery. I sit in this F'in bed everyday-stare at my computer and cast casual glances at the TV-if I had a mirror I would not want to look at it... there is a chance I would see drool dripping gently from the corner of my mouth.
I used to have this vibrante mind. It wanted to paint and write. It loved color and movement-doing things-moving. Now I can't seem to focus on anything. It is so frusterating!
I have things to do but I cannot form the thought needed to move myself forward. Auto-pilot. That is the best way to describe my thoughts right now. I feel as if I am on auto-pilot and I am struggling to regain control.
I hate winter...I hate not having money...I hate not having a purpose.
Granted I have my daughter-she has become my reason for living-I do not know where I would be without her. I owe her more than who I am. I owe myself more than who I am.
I just don't know where the on switch is.