So, I haven't blogged in awhile, and it is not because I have had to much to do... Actually I have nothing to do, as I have been laid off of my job since Monday. I don't know how to feel about it right now. I am welcoming the chance to find another job, explore other careers and hopefully find higher. On the other hand, we are in a huge recession! What the hell am I supposed to do? I have skills. I have done everything under the sun in the customer service industry, but painfully, that is not what I want to do anymore. I have to market myself and hopefully land myself a new carer. Until then I will pray that the little money I have coming in will take me through this. I have a wonderful family and I will manage. I am scared though ( I am human, after all!) I have been out of a job before, but never as a mother. This is different, I have a little person to look after. My unemployment would barely cover rent. Child support pays for daycare.
And then there is another side. The side that doesn't involve money. The side that involves my esteem and my heart.
I would love to talk about getting laid off, how it felt, but I don't know if I am there yet. I am not ready to deal with it. Right now, I acknowldge the fact that I have no job but to discuss the way being laid off has made my heart burst to the point pain no longer existing... I don't even know how to begin. I am deflated, and I feel useless. It has only been a week, and I already lost track of the days.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
So I said Fuck it
As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging for a few days. That is because of a few reasons. First off, it is the end of the holidays, I have been busy. I have been working on my other blog, I have been working on my book and I spent New Years day in the ER. But mainly, the reason is that I have said Fuck it. Why am I quitting gossip, this is lame and I have no reason to do it. Absolutely retarded for me to decided that I don't want to read gossip anymore. Why do I say that? Because I have been cheating all over town. I don't want to give up gossip anymore, because I haven't givin up gossip. So what now? Do I continue on this path, or do I continue to try and quit?
To Be Continued...
To Be Continued...
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year to me
So I woke up on New Years Day with nothing planned. Kennedee had crawled into be with me at 3 A.M. Which I welcomed, I like having her there every once and awile. We woke up...well she woke up and I kinda layed around with my eyes half open. We played a few games, had a good time and at one point I tried to take a nap with her.... she got up, I did not.
Through my slumber I realized K was being very quiet, but she was not sleeping next to me. I called out her name, she said that she was washing her hands...a few minutes later she walked into the living room with hands out pulling her princess night gown up telling me it was wet. Yes, yes it was.. It was wet with lotion, and water and soap. Apparently she was playing with lotion, got it o her self, my full lenght mirror and my carpet. Into the tub we go. She is playing, dropping herself into the tub to her mouth and blowing bubbles. I am drinking raspberry ginger ale, laughin...whoops, Kennedee goes down and slips under water. She can't get up on her own. I fly up, reach down and pull her upright. She is okay, no big deal. She doesn't even care.
About 5 minutes after that my back starts to hurt...2 minutes later my chest starts to hurt. Within 10 I can't stand, sit, lay, walk...I am in pain. My daughter is trying to makeme feel better. Kissing my tummy, holding her arms out saying she wants to hold me. I am in so much pain I can barely smile at the absolute beauty of her trying to take care of me. For awhile I thought it was heart brun. When I was pregnant I had hearburn that felt close to the same, but not as bad.
I made my way up to my sisters house, thinking I was going to go to Super America to get something to help me. I get upstairs and I burst into tears. My sister wants to take me to the ER. I said I will get over it. After about 3 minutes I go with her on the fact that yes I should go. I feel like I am in labor again! Sister gets K ready, we get in the car, call K's Dad, drop heroff with him because he is on the way to the ER (this was the worst for me. I was in so much pain, I couldn't give K a hug good bye, I couldn't even sit still, my back just kept spasming and my chest felt like it was caving in.
We got to the ER, I was giving a wheel chair and I waited. I waited in excruciating pain. I walked around the waiting room the same way I did when I was waiting to give birth to my daughter. Nothing made in better, nothing made it worse There wasn't a posibility for it to get worse. The ER was full of sick people and people that weren't sick enough to be there, but were there anyways.
I stood in front of the help desk because it had a high shelf in front of one of the desks that I could lean on. Sitting was not an option. I did go to the bathroom at one point, got sick and would have laid on the bathroom floor if a woman and her little girl had not come in. I made it back out and within 5 minutes someone saw the pai I was in and fast tracked me. I was brought to a small room, questions, vitals taken and the angel that was my nurse got me into a room. They were as concerned as I was. I could lay down, it felt like someone had tied a rope around my chest and was tightening it, and loosening it causing my body to rise and fall.
It was hell. The extremely happy doc came to talk to me. Confused by my myriad of symptoms. They had blot clots, something about my aortic valve... You know, worse to not so worse. Go for the bad stuff first, eliminate that and move on.
Finally they decide of a CT scan. Just for my upper chest. They wheel me into a room with a Stargazer ( I can't think of the name of the fricken movie right now, but I will get it.) type contraption, Inject me with a dye that makes me feel like I have to pee and send me through...
Oh, by the way... I felt completely better before they gave me morphine and the sickly maylox goop they made me swallow and sent me through this machine. I told them this, but we kept going anyway.
It was the weirdest thing. One moment I was convusing from the pain, throwig up, couldn't move. The next thing I know I am looking at my sister telling her I feel fine. Teh two of us laughing hysterically because we don't know what else to do.
In the end they said I had caused a thoractic back sprain. I got my p Rx out of the hospital vending machine. No shit. They give you a piece of paper with a code on it, you go to a machine titled instymeds and punch in your code. Voila 4 vicodine all for me.
I took my vicodine, mixed with my left over morphine and off to slumber I went.
Happy New Years to me!
Through my slumber I realized K was being very quiet, but she was not sleeping next to me. I called out her name, she said that she was washing her hands...a few minutes later she walked into the living room with hands out pulling her princess night gown up telling me it was wet. Yes, yes it was.. It was wet with lotion, and water and soap. Apparently she was playing with lotion, got it o her self, my full lenght mirror and my carpet. Into the tub we go. She is playing, dropping herself into the tub to her mouth and blowing bubbles. I am drinking raspberry ginger ale, laughin...whoops, Kennedee goes down and slips under water. She can't get up on her own. I fly up, reach down and pull her upright. She is okay, no big deal. She doesn't even care.
About 5 minutes after that my back starts to hurt...2 minutes later my chest starts to hurt. Within 10 I can't stand, sit, lay, walk...I am in pain. My daughter is trying to makeme feel better. Kissing my tummy, holding her arms out saying she wants to hold me. I am in so much pain I can barely smile at the absolute beauty of her trying to take care of me. For awhile I thought it was heart brun. When I was pregnant I had hearburn that felt close to the same, but not as bad.
I made my way up to my sisters house, thinking I was going to go to Super America to get something to help me. I get upstairs and I burst into tears. My sister wants to take me to the ER. I said I will get over it. After about 3 minutes I go with her on the fact that yes I should go. I feel like I am in labor again! Sister gets K ready, we get in the car, call K's Dad, drop heroff with him because he is on the way to the ER (this was the worst for me. I was in so much pain, I couldn't give K a hug good bye, I couldn't even sit still, my back just kept spasming and my chest felt like it was caving in.
We got to the ER, I was giving a wheel chair and I waited. I waited in excruciating pain. I walked around the waiting room the same way I did when I was waiting to give birth to my daughter. Nothing made in better, nothing made it worse There wasn't a posibility for it to get worse. The ER was full of sick people and people that weren't sick enough to be there, but were there anyways.
I stood in front of the help desk because it had a high shelf in front of one of the desks that I could lean on. Sitting was not an option. I did go to the bathroom at one point, got sick and would have laid on the bathroom floor if a woman and her little girl had not come in. I made it back out and within 5 minutes someone saw the pai I was in and fast tracked me. I was brought to a small room, questions, vitals taken and the angel that was my nurse got me into a room. They were as concerned as I was. I could lay down, it felt like someone had tied a rope around my chest and was tightening it, and loosening it causing my body to rise and fall.
It was hell. The extremely happy doc came to talk to me. Confused by my myriad of symptoms. They had blot clots, something about my aortic valve... You know, worse to not so worse. Go for the bad stuff first, eliminate that and move on.
Finally they decide of a CT scan. Just for my upper chest. They wheel me into a room with a Stargazer ( I can't think of the name of the fricken movie right now, but I will get it.) type contraption, Inject me with a dye that makes me feel like I have to pee and send me through...
Oh, by the way... I felt completely better before they gave me morphine and the sickly maylox goop they made me swallow and sent me through this machine. I told them this, but we kept going anyway.
It was the weirdest thing. One moment I was convusing from the pain, throwig up, couldn't move. The next thing I know I am looking at my sister telling her I feel fine. Teh two of us laughing hysterically because we don't know what else to do.
In the end they said I had caused a thoractic back sprain. I got my p Rx out of the hospital vending machine. No shit. They give you a piece of paper with a code on it, you go to a machine titled instymeds and punch in your code. Voila 4 vicodine all for me.
I took my vicodine, mixed with my left over morphine and off to slumber I went.
Happy New Years to me!
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